


Up A Twisted Hill

by Nestra (LFN_Archivist), Shanola (LFN_Archivist)



Category: La Femme Nikita
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack, Humor, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 17:19:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16580747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LFN_Archivist/pseuds/Nestra, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LFN_Archivist/pseuds/Shanola
Summary: This story was originally posted to the LFN Storyboard Archives by Shanola and Nestra.





	Up A Twisted Hill

**Up A Twisted Hill: Part the Prologue, in which we discover apples, tomatoes, and Argentina.**

Mary Sue stood in front of the dresser mirror and tucked another strand of thick, rich hair into the knot of curls on top of her head. Pulling the strand through, she twirled it around her little finger, held it tightly while she counted to ten, then pulled her finger free. Another perfect spiral curled into place. Sighing happily, Mary Sue patted her hair and turned, inspecting the sensuous effect of the 'do'. She was more than pleased to note that the sexy tumble of hair accentuated her teeny waist and well-endowed chest. The tight, blue dress draped gracefully across her flat stomach and flared hips before sweeping almost to the floor. 

Mary Sue turned to the mirror again and studied her face. She didn't really need to wear make-up, she knew, but tonight was special. Applying mascara to her recently-thinned eyelashes, Mary Sue blinked. Thank goodness she had just thinned them, she thought. It had been getting hard to blink with such a dense fringe on her almond-shaped eyes. Mascara done, Mary Sue applied a thick coat of luscious red lipstick. 

Red was the color of seduction. Red meant you were hot. Red meant conquer. Red meant sex. Red also meant apples and tomatoes but that was beside the point. Speaking of red, Mary Sue noted the lovely red glints that now streaked through her hair. 

She smiled, remembering how red glinted in Michael's hair when he'd been in the sun for a while. Blonde glinted in his hair then, too, as it did in Nikita's. Well, Nikita had blonde hair all the time, but still. Mary Sue shrugged at the thought of her two companions. They were working right now, no doubt doing something incredibly important for Section One, the most covert anti-terrorist group on the planet. Come to think of it, Mary Sue frowned, the ONLY covert anti-terrorist group on the planet. All the others were 'out of the closet' and openly opposed terrorism. Huh. Food for thought. 

The doorbell rang, interrupting her thoughts. Mary Sue grabbed the earrings that went with the dress and began to put them in as she moved gracefully through Nikita's apartment and towards the door that now had a blue front on the outside instead of just being a normal brown door like everyone else's in the apartment complex. Made it easy to find, though. 

"Coming!" Mary Sue called out, "I hope tonight, too" she muttered under her breath as she felt a warmth in...well, _down there_. She paused in front of the door and turned on the security monitor. Her breath caught as his image appeared before her on the tiny screen. 

She had noticed him a few weeks earlier, of course. He was hard to miss. Mary Sue didn't know how Nikita, and Michael for that matter, had managed to ignore this sublime piece of flesh. Instantly upon seeing him, she'd known she would have to have him. He was just too delicious for words! 

Thankfully, he hadn't been too hard to convince to take her out. A flick of her hair, a flash of leg, and of course, answering the door that day in a tiny scrap of lace bra hadn't hurt either. And now he was here, ready to take her for a night out. She hoped with every cell in her divine body that he was just ready to _take_ her. 

Mary Sue smiled. She had no doubt, really. She'd make sure he was ready, when the time came. But first, the game! She smoothed the gown over her hips then flung the door open. 

"Hullo.....Mick." His name popped delightfully on her tongue. "Schtoppel." She purred next, rolling the letters around her mouth before letting them escape between her teeth. 

Mmmm! 

Mick! 

********** 

Mick's customary glibness deserted him at his first sight of the magnificent creature in front of him. She was gorgeous. She was ravishing. Oh, forget that, she defied all synonyms his lust-fogged brain could come up with. She was indescribable. She was... 

"Mary Sue," he stammered. "You look..." Again, his higher brain functions deserted him as all the blood in his body rushed below his equator, pooling somewhere around Argentina. 

"I know," she replied brightly, and the sound of her honeyed, dulcet voice slid over his eardrums like cooked linguini. 

What was this? Mick Schtoppel did not melt into a puddle over any woman. Maybe he drooled, a little bit. And perhaps he had been heard to whimper pathetically. And okay, there was that one time with the table leg, oh, and there was that bird in Amsterdam, and she'd suckered him into refinishing all of her furniture... 

Mary Sue daintily cleared her throat and still somehow managed to give the impression that Mick had better start paying attention to her immediately, or suffer dire consequences. 

"Right, doll, you look simply smashing. Indescribable. Are you ready?" 

Mary Sue smiled at him, and the reflection off of her gleaming white teeth nearly blinded him. "Where are we going?" 

Mick puffed up with pride. "I have made reservations at one of *the* most exclusive places in town." 

Mary Sue gasped, and her fabulously indescribable chest nearly popped out of the tight-fighting dress. "Not..." 

"That's right, luv. Mama B's. Of course, the menu's entirely in Yankee, but..." 

"Oh, don't worry about that," Mary Sue reassured him. "I can translate for you." 

Mick paused a moment, trying to decide whether or not to be offended. After all, he wasn't completely incompetent. He was Mick Schtoppel, invaluable Section resource, finder of things no one else could find. He didn't need his date translating a Yankee menu for him. He was crafty and resourceful. But one look at Mary Sue dispelled those thoughts. How could anyone ever be offended by such a heavenly creature? Those almond-shaped eyes. That mane of hair, with its auburn and blonde and sable highlights. That gravity-defying body, poured into an iridescently blue dress. 

Sensing his perusal (which wasn't too difficult, considering that he was staring straight at her chest), Mary Sue inhaled slightly and watched in amusement as Mick's eyes glazed over. "Let's go," she said. "I'm *starving*." 

"Of course, my darling," he replied, gallantly offering her his arm. "I think you'll like my vintage Porsche." 

"Let's take my Jag instead," she suggested. "It's faster." 

As she walked down the hallway, Mick again considered protesting, until he caught sight of her rounded derriere swaying beneath the gently clinging skirt. He had the feeling that if he let Mary Sue take control of the evening, his reward would be...indescribable. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: The Next Part, where a happy game of musical chairs is always in play. 

Mary Sue parked the sleek silver Jag and turned the purring engine off. Patiently, she waited for Mick. She did not look at him, but stared straight ahead, even as she unfastened her seat belt. The snick and gentle clang of metal on metal told her Mick had unfastened his seat belt. Then she heard the door open. She waited. And waited. And still waited. Finally, she turned to look at the door to the famous Mama B's. Mick stood in front looking bewildered. Mary Sue sighed through her perfectly painted lips then rapped on her window. He would have to learn to now that she expected him to open all doors for her. 

Mick turned and his face showed his surprise as he made his way back to the car. Mary Sue watched the sexy way he moved and smiled as he reached her door. 

With a flourish, Mick opened the door and leaned in (the better to get another glimpse of her copious assets). "Sorry, luv. I must have...drifted off for a second." 

Mary Sue leaned forward as she took his strong, manly hand. "Just don't keep me waiting when it _counts_ , Mick" she breathed, her ample chest heaving. 

"Of course not," Mick replied suavely. "The lady *always* comes first in my book." 

"I'm counting on it," Mary Sue murmured as they made their way into the posh Mama B's Italian Eatery. They stopped just inside the door and looked around. Round tables with bright white table clothes awaited them. The napkins were folded to precision, the glasses obviously crystal. Mary Sue moved closer to Mick, hoping to share her excitement. She trembled delicately then pointed out the big sign to the right of them. 

_Please Seat Yourself_ , it proclaimed. 

Mick pointed to a little table in the corner, gently illuminated by candlelight. "Shall we sit over there? It looks nice and cozy." 

Mary Sue nodded, then made her way to the table. She stood beside a chair, waiting for Mick to pull it out for her. 

Mick, never a quick learner, seated himself and looked across the table expectantly. He was greeted with a view of Mary Sue's taut tummy. Slowly...slowly his gaze traveled up the rest of the landscape...the mountains and valleys put the Rockies to shame. But then he saw the distinctly unamused look on her face. 

"Oh, sorry!" He jumped up, nearly upsetting the crystal wine glasses, and yanked Mary Sue's chair away from the table. 

Mary Sue arched an elegant eyebrow at her date, then sat gracefully in the chair. She stopped him before he could move the chair, and her, forward. Instead, she gently tucked herself under the table on her own. 

After a moment of silence, Mary Sue smiled. "Sooo...Mick." Gawd, she loved the way his name popped off her tongue! "Talk to me." 

"What would you like to hear, my little raspberry sorbet?" 

Mary Sue blinked coquettishly. "Why, your voice, of course...Mmmm-ick!" 

Mick was slightly taken aback at the gust of wind that rushed across the table as she batted her eyelashes, but recovered quickly. "Well, I could certainly tell you how beautiful your sparkling eyes are..." 

His compliment was cut off by the screech of a harridan who rushed out of the kitchen. "You can't sit there!" 

Mary Sue and Mick looked at the...thing that was speaking to them. 

"That seat is taken, I mean. You'll have to move somewhere else. Sorry! Now, git!" the harridan screeched as she made shooing motions with her dishpan hands. 

Mick looked at Mary Sue. Mary Sue looked back at Mick. Together, they rose from the table and moved away from the creature. 

"Which table, now, Mick?" Mary Sue asked, unruffled. 

Mick looked around at the nearly empty restaurant. There, on the other side of the dining room, was a nice-looking booth. "How about over there?" He gestured towards it, reflecting that at least this time, he wouldn't have to pull out her chair. 

"Oooh! Nice choice!" Mary Sue exclaimed as she sat in the booth Mick had indicated a few moments earlier. "And you don't have to pull my chair out." She grinned coyly at him and lowered her eyes, the dark lashes fanning beautifully against her creamy cheeks for an instant before rising to reveal her lavender-blue-green-gray-hazel eyes. 

"Such a shame, too. I simply yearn for the opportunity to serve you." 

Mary Sue flushed becomingly and prepared to answer in a sultry voice. "Mick-" she was cut off abruptly by a high keening noise emanating from across the room. 

"Thieves! Thieves!! You stole that table!!!" the wail persisted. Mary Sue turned to see the Harridan come loping towards them, her dishpan hands flying in front of her face. 

"I beg your pardon," said Mick coldly. "The sign said to seat ourselves." 

"Don't you talk back to me!" screamed the harridan. "I'll call security and have you kicked out of here before you can say 'paying customer'!" 

Mary Sue stood, gripping her temper tightly. "It's okay, Mick. Let's just move, okay?" She pointed to a nice table in the middle of the room. They moved towards it as the Harridan stood and glowered after them. 

"What's her problem?" muttered Mick, not very quietly. 

Mary Sue shrugged, her rounded shoulders raising her chest deliciously. She smiled as Mick pulled the chair out for her and waited until she was seated before he took the chair across the table. What a fiiiiine specimen of man Mick is, she thought dreamily as the waiter placed a menu in front of her. 

Mick quickly reached over, nearly knocking the flower arrangement into Mary Sue's lap, and opened her menu for her. She sighed prettily, which he took as a sign of encouragement, and opened his own menu. 

Hmm. Good thing Mary Sue had offered to translate. 

"Sooo...Mick. What do you....want?" Mary Sue breathed as she leaned forward, allowing her heaving bosom to fill his view. 

"Well," said Mick, desperately trying to cover up the fact that he couldn't read a thing on the menu, "what do you suggest?" 

"Well," Mary Sue began as she glanced down at her menu, "I think the Oysters will be a good start." She named the well-known aphrodisiac with only a hint of a smile. 

"Excellent choice, my dear." Mick looked down the wine list (which, oddly enough, was spelled "whine"), but the only beverage available seemed to be something called "pop." 

"Pop!" Mary Sue said and laughed as Mick jumped. "Pop is a beverage native to the Northern United States. It is fizzy and tangy and in other parts of the US, it's known as 'Coke'." Mary Sue leaned across the table before she continued. "And it had darn well better be Coke and not that Pepsi crap, either!" she whispered seriously, a look of death in her tilted eyes. "I really despise it when-" Once again, her words, those delicate flowers that fell from her lips like drops fell on a rainy day, were cut off by high wail. 

It was the evil Harridan once again. 

"How dare you!" she screeched. "Why are you sitting there? You people have no manners!" 

Mick was nearly mesmerized by the insane gleam in her eyes and the spittle flying from her mouth, but Mary Sue had obviously had enough. 

Mary Sue jumped from her seat, curled hair bouncing delicately against her flawless cheeks. "That is IT!" she said tightly. "You CLEARLY had a sign that said Seat Yourself! If you did not want us to sit at these tables, you should have put a sign up that said Reserved!" Her lovely green-blue-violet eyes flashed brilliantly, almost blinding Mick as she continued. "And further, you are an...an...Evil Harridan!" She stamped one delicate foot for good measure. 

The Evil Harridan swelled her ample chest and frowned disapprovingly. "Young Lady!" she snapped, "Your MANNERS are SHOWING!" 

Mary Sue froze. For a moment, she wasn't certain WHICH manners she had brought with her and where, exactly, they were peeping out from. Then she remembered. Slowly, she turned. Step by step, inch by inch, she advanced. Then, eye-to-eye with the Evil Harridan, deadly calm, she said, slowly and clearly, 

"FU-" the ringing of a cell phone interrupted her. 

Mick quickly pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open. 

"Guillaume Pierre Jacques Yves Michel Francois Andre Girard Jean Louis Philippe Steve." 

"Yeah," replied Mick, with a resigned sigh. He snapped the cell phone shut and gently tapped Mary Sue on the shoulder. She released the death glare she had been holding with the Evil Harridan and looked at him expectantly. 

"We have to go," he said. "Section needs us." 

"Of course they do, " she said. "I swear, I don't know how that place manages to run without me. But before we go..." 

She turned back to the Evil Harridan, and digging deep within herself, she hurled the biggest insult she could think of. "Yankee!" she said. "You stereotypical YANKEE! At least you are not a DAMN Yankee 'cause they come down South and STAY! We TRIED to make an area where all the stupid people stayed and I'll be darned if they STILL don't keep crossing the Mason Dixon Line! And you! You must be the Leader of all Yankees! But you won't win! No, you won't! The South shall Rise Again (Except for Texas because they'll become their OWN country, you know)!" 

And, as the Evil Harridan shrank back into her original troll form, Mary Sue grabbed Mick's appendage (the ARM, not THAT! Not yet, anyway...) and they exited regally, a royal pair if there ever was one, and there have been royal pairs all throughout history. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: Waiter, there's a smudge on my glass. 

Later..... 

Mick and Mary Sue strode purposefully into Comm...but something was wrong. 

"Something's wrong," said Mary Sue helpfully. 

It was hard to tell exactly what, though. Mick scanned the room for a familiar face and saw Birkoff, who wasn't sitting at his usual place. Instead, he seemed to be chatting up three different young nubile computer techs. Walter *was* where he belonged in Munitions, but instead of working, he was muttering to himself and trying to force his hair into its customary ponytail. 

Through the glass window, they could see Nikita sitting in Michael's office, typing madly at the computer. Madeline, they saw, was sitting in the chair facing her, chewing gum and blowing bubbles. As they watched, Madeline leaned forward, revealing that she was wearing a backless top. 

Mary Sue frowned, her countenance at once charming and deadly to behold. She turned to the Perch and was met by Operations' gleeful glare. 

Things were definitely odd, Mary Sue thought. "Mick," she said. "Something is really wrong here. Look at the Perch." Mick turned his luscious form toward the Perch and for a moment, Mary Sue was overwhelmed by the action. 

"What about it, luv?" He said charmingly. 

"Look closely, Mick. See that?" Mary Sue nodded. "There is a SMUDGE on the GLASS!" 

Mick looked confused. "And your point is?" 

Mary Sue smiled knowingly. "It's a code Operations and I implemented long ago for situations just like this!" she bubbled. 

"What's it mean?" Mick asked. 

"It MEANS," Mary Sue whispered, "That everyone's mind was wiped and stored on a disk. When they went to put the minds back, someone dropped the disks and got them confused." 

Mick looked at Mary Sue in dawning understanding. "You mean," he almost laughed, "that everyone's been put into the wrong bodies?" 

Mary Sue nodded. "And we've go to put them back before they decide they don't want to leave!" 

************ 

Up a Twisted Hill: Steve 

Mick glanced up to the perch where Walter had joined Operations and was standing, arms crossed, glowering down on the chaotic scene spread out before him. "How are we possibly going to get everyone back into their own bodies?" 

"Well," said Mary Sue, "we need to get them all unconscious and into MedLab." 

"Can we tranquilize them?" 

"No," she replied, shaking her exquisitely shaped head. "They'll fight like caged animals. But really mean animals. Not like widdle cute puppies. More like ferrets." 

Mick frowned, various possibilities running through his mind. "But there's only one way I can think of..." He did a double take and looked closely at Mary Sue, but she appeared dead serious. "You can't be serious!" he exclaimed. 

"But I am," she said. "Dead serious. We'll have to seduce them. Who do you want?" 

Mick looked around Section. He had to choose, but how? The only person he really wanted was the exquisite Mary Sue! Well, her and Nikita. Come to think of it, Madeline didn't look so bad herself. There was something to be said for an older woman! 

"Mick?" Mary Sue asked, sending his blood pressure up a notch. 

"I'm here, I'm here!" he started. Mary Sue smiled. 

"What if I make it easy on you? You can have Nikita and Madeline, okay? Their bodies, anyway. I'm not entirely sure who is in who yet!" 

Mick began to nod, then frowned. "But that means you'll get to seduce more people than I will!" he complained. 

Mary Sue looked at him with amusement. "Tell me, Mick. Do you _really_ want to sleep with Walter's body?" 

Mick thought for a moment. "Well," he started, "he does walk on two legs so that should be okay...but you're right! I'm a Chick kind of guy!" 

Mary Sue smiled and leaned in close. Her dress gaped away from her chest drawing Mick's eyes to it. "Just save some for me, luv" she purred before releasing him and sashaying off to put on something more...comfortable. 

Mick watched the womanly swing of her luscious hips as she glided out of sight. Then, sighing, he turned and started toward Michael's office. 

Mick paused for a moment at the door to Michael's office, slipping completely into his "yeah, baby!" persona, then opened the door. 

Nikita...that is, Nikita's body...looked up from behind the computer and stared at him wordlessly. 

"Hello, luv," he purred, and turned to Madeline's body. "And hello to you, too." 

"What do you want?" demanded Nikita's body. 

"Want? I never want anything," he replied suavely. "I just came to check on you two lovely ladies." He still had no idea who was in Nikita and Madeline's bodies, but he figured it was a pretty good guess that the two women had switched places. 

But who to start with? Obviously, in their confused and weakened state, they'd be ripe for seduction, like really squishy apples. He stole a glance at Nikita, who was once again intent on the computer, and decided to start with Madeline. 

"My dear," he said, extending a hand to her, "may I talk to you...alone?" 

"Sure, whatever," replied whoever was in Madeline's body. "I'm bored here, anyway. Let's go into the small briefing room." 

She took his hand and they proceeded into the corridor and down the hall to the room she had mentioned. Gallantly opening the door, Mick gestured for Madeline's body to proceed inside, and then followed her in and shut the door. Perfect. The lights were off, and the dim light filtering in from the hallway almost made the conference table in the middle of the room look romantic. 

"That is you, Nikita, isn't it?" he enquired, just to be sure. 

"Yeah, it's me. Except I'm about twenty years older, and I'm dressed in this crappy suit, even though I _did_ cut the back out of it." 

"I knew it!" cried Mick exultantly. "I knew you and Madeline had switched places. The way she just sat there behind that desk--it was just like the Ice Queen." 

"But, Mick," protested Nikita/Madeline, "you don't understand..." 

"Don't worry, luv," he murmured, placing a gentle finger across your lips. "I knew it was you...I could never mistake that fire you have...the passion that shines out from your blue...I mean, brown eyes..." 

"But, Mick," she said again...mumbled, actually, since he hadn't removed the gentle finger. 

"Shhh, darling. Just let Mick take care of everything." He replaced his finger with his lips and gently laid Nikita/Madeline onto the conference table. 

*Goodness,* he thought to himself. *I never thought I'd see Madeline swoon...* 

Then, there was only the sound of their sighs, the hum of the air filter above, and the squeaks from the beleaguered conference table. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: On sugar and spice and everything nice. 

Mary Sue adjusted the slit in her skirt to show even more thigh than usual. She smoothed the plunging neckline of her leather halter-top and tugged at the bottom for a moment. Then, casually, she entered the perch. 

Walter stood, glowering down at the hub of Section One as Operations stood patiently beside him. Walter's hair was only halfway into its customary ponytail and it scraggled in his face. Operations was speaking and Mary Sue listened quietly before making her presence known. 

"I've told you, it's necessary to keep up appearances until we can figure this thing out. Besides, _I_ don't think it's such a bad exper-" Operations paused and turned to where Mary Sue was standing quietly. 

Mary Sue struggled to raise the sinking feeling in her stomach. Were they too late? Had whoever was in Operations body already decided they wanted to stay? And if so, how would the next episode go down? She pushed the thoughts aside and focused on what she had to do instead. 

Charmingly, she smiled. "I'm sorry to interrupt. I just need Walter to look at something for me real quick." 

Walter gave her a sharp look then another to Operations. Operations nodded and gently pushed Walter in her direction. "Of course. I'm certain Walter would be happy to go with you." 

Mary Sue smiled and led a grumbling Walter out of the perch. "It's right here, Walter, in the Medlab on Level 86." Mary Sue held his hand as they entered the elevator. As the doors swished closed, Mary Sue moved closer to Walter and raised a hand to tuck one of many errant strands behind his ear. Leaning in, she whispered. "I can show you how to do that, you know." 

Walter looked sharply at her, his graveled face suspicious. "What make you think I can't do it myself?" He growled. 

Mary Sue smiled and carefully pulled the ponytail holder from his hair. "Just trust me...." She began to stroke his head, gathering his hair into a bundle. He relaxed under her skilled fingers. "Trust me," Mary Sue whispered again, "and tell me who is in this incredibly sexy body with the incredibly sexy voice." 

Walter's eyes were half closed and he answered without thinking, "It's me, Mary Sue. Operations." 

Mary Sue snapped the rubber band in place, catching her finger and making her eyes widen. Operations! Operations who was now Operations/Walter! 

Then there was nothing but the gentle hum of the elevator and moans of pleasure as Mary Sue finished her hair-job. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: Warning! Imminent slash ahead! Well, sort of... 

Mick gently placed Nikita/Madeline on the bed in MedLab and turned to face the bewildered looking tech that had the misfortune to be standing there. 

"Make sure she doesn't wake up, do you understand?" 

"Umm, sure," said the tech. "But why is the back of her suit cut out? And why is her skirt all rumpled? 

Mick grabbed the hapless man and slammed him into the nearest wall. "Don't you know better than to ask inane questions like that?" 

"Right. Of course. I'm sorry," stammered the tech. 

Mick released his grip, flexed his fingers, and strode out the door to summon the elevator. 

It arrived with a pleasant surprise inside. Mary Sue looked up, her smile radiant. "How did it go?" she asked. 

"Fine, of course," Mick replied quickly. "Why shouldn't it have gone fine? What other way did you think it would go?" *Whoops,* he thought. *Maybe a little too defensive.* 

She moved closer and looped her milky-white arms around his neck, causing the halter top to ride up and expose her flat stomach. "Of course it went fine, Mmm-Mick. I'm sure you do *everything* just fine." 

Mick was tempted to indulge in a little elevator hanky-panky, but remembered that they had a job to do. Reluctantly, he extricated himself from her embrace. "And you took care of whoever was in Walter's body?" 

"Of course," she said. "You'll never guess who it was..." 

The elevator slid to a halt. "My floor," said Mick. "Give me all the juicy details later, luv." 

Nikita's body, dressed in severe black clothes, was still seated in Michael's office. 

"Hello, popsicle," said Mick, surreptitiously closing and locking the door behind him. "Did you miss me?" 

Nikita's body glanced up at him briefly. "No," she said, in a flat, almost emotionless voice. 

"Oh, really?" Mick slipped around the desk and stood behind the chair. "You didn't miss me just a little bit?" He opened the hidden panel on the desk and entered the code to deactivate the room's surveillance. Thank God Mary Sue had told him how to do that before they arrived at Section. 

Nikita's body swiveled around to face him. "Go away, Mick. I'm busy." 

"Are you?" murmured Mick. "Are you really that busy?" Leaning down, he brushed his lips across Nikita's. God, all the times he had dreamed of getting his hands on her body, and it was finally happening... 

"Come on, Madeline," he urged. "Give into it. You'll feel so much better when you wake up." 

Nikita's body relaxed under his, and he pulled her from the chair, lowering her to the floor. The scene started to fade to black until he heard Nikita's body murmur, "Oui...oui..." 

Oui? Since when did Madeline speak French? 

And then the awful truth hit. This wasn't Madeline. 

It was Michael. But what could Mick do? Mary Sue was depending on him, and after all, it was still Nikita's body. So as the scene re-faded to black, he did what he had to do. 

He closed his eyes and thought of Section. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; The abc's of love, sweet love. 

Mmmm! Mary Sue thought as she made her way back to comm. That was fun! She always enjoyed a good game of checkers after she seduced someone. But now, on to more serious matters. She had to focus, center herself, be ready; prepare. 

She had to seduce whoever was in Michael's body next. 

There he was, she saw. Standing there at Comm, talking to three different female operatives. Mary Sue pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes. This might be more difficult than she thought. She might have....competition! *gasp* Her lungs froze, her muscles went rigid and her eyes widened. 

Wait a minute, she thought a second later, relaxing. What did she have to worry about? She was _Mary Sue_! The competition would fall before her, like empires that were overrun with wild barbarians! She would crush them! Crush them all like the pitiful ants they were, ha ha! 

Gleefully, and full of confidence, Mary Sue made her way over. 

"Michael?" she questioned. Michael continued to talk to the other female creatures. 

"Michael." Mary Sue said again, louder this time. Still Michael continued to ignore her. 

Mary Sue straightened her shoulders, the action pushing her breasts up higher against the leather halter-top she wore. "Michael!" she demanded, and he turned around. 

Mary Sue smiled, revealing dainty white teeth. Michael's body flushed scarlet as his eyes fixed on her abundant chest. How cute! Mary Sue thought! Michael...blushing! 

"uh...Hi, Mary Sue," Michael's body stammered as he moved awkwardly toward the computer console. 

Hmm....Mary Sue thought. She had a good idea of who was in Michael's body now. One way to find out for sure. "Michael, how many dates do you have set up right now?" 

Michael's body stared hard at the empty monitor in front of him. "Uh, why?" he asked. 

Mary Sue leaned in close watching in satisfaction as Michael's eyes once more fixated on her chest. "Because, if you really plan to go out on a date, and actually score with a girl, you need more than Michael's body, Birkoff." 

Birkoff/Michael raised his eyes, shocked. "Wh-what do you mean?" he asked. 

Mary Sue smiled like a cat and licked her lips. "Why, Birkoff/Michael....you need technique, of course." Mary Sue leaned in closer, "Technique that _I_ can give you. I can teach you how to use that equipment, yes?" For a moment, she looked pointedly at the loaded package Birkoff/Michael was now in possession of. Then, she straightened and began to saunter towards the elevator, pausing halfway to look over her shoulder. Birkoff/Michael stood still, staring dreamily after her. 

Mary Sue called softly to him, "Come, Birkoff! Come to me..." Then, assured he was following her, she continued on her way. 

Now THIS would be an adventure! Get 'em young and train 'em right. Mary Sue smiled wickedly and stepped into the elevator. 

"Birkoff/Michael?" she moved to him. 

"Yes?" he answered dreamily. 

"Don't point that thing at me," she reached down. "On second thought," she whispered from deep within her throat, "point away...." 

Then the doors closed and Mary Sue started to go down.... 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; The watermelon and rhinoceros 

This time, the tech knew better than to say a single word, especially with the look on Mick's face. Mick simply dumped Nikita's motionless body on to a bed and stormed out. All he wanted to do was find a corner and sulk, but of course, Mary Sue's smiling face greeted him when the elevator doors slid smoothly open. 

"Well, well, well, luv. You look like the cat who ate the cream," Mick said gruffly and Mary Sue sighed. 

"Mmmm....cream," she said. 

Mick raised an eyebrow. Mary Sue caught his look and shook her head, jolting herself back to the present. "What's wrong?" She asked. 

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong! Why would anything be wrong?" Mick sputtered. Then, shamed by the pitying look Mary Sue was giving him, he said, "I'm being defensive again, right?" 

"As a linebacker," Mary Sue responded. Mick flinched and Mary Sue continued. "So, who do you think was in Michael's body?" 

"Not bloody Michael, that's for sure!" he muttered. 

Mary Sue narrowed her eyes. "Noo...it was Birkoff! Birkoff is in Michael's body and he is really liking it, too." she noted. 

Mick shrugged. 

"What's wrong, Mick?" Mary Sue gently prodded. 

"You want to know where Michael was? Hmmm? He was in Nikita's body!" he shouted. "I go in, expecting a nice little blonde romp, and I get Mr. Section Stud himself. He'll probably wake up snickering about my..." Mick could barely get the last word out, "...performance." 

Mary Sue was stunned. "You slept with Michael?" Mick glared at her. "You slept with Michael." She couldn't seem to think of anything else to say. Finally, something popped into her mind, "Did he do that wild swirly thing with his tongue? I've always wondered if that was a male thing or a Michael thing, you know?" 

At Mick's choking noise, Mary Sue pulled her mind away from Michael. "Oh, Mick!" she cried, flinging her arms around his tight body. "You dear!" she purred. "Don't worry about him rating your performance. I'm sure he can't. After all, he's never been a woman before. And I'll bet he couldn't even think straight when you were around. I know I have trouble, and if _I_ have trouble you know everyone else will, too!" Mary Sue soothed to Mick's battered psyche. 

Mick, although not terribly soothed in soul, certainly felt much better in body with Mary Sue clinging to him. "I don't want to talk about it any more," he said, talking directly into her chest. 

"Of course not, honey," she said. "I'll make you feel all better later." 

*That* reminder did soothe Mick's soul, and made him even more determined to finish off the business at hand. And other various body parts. 

"So who's next?" he asked. 

Mary Sue pulled away from him. "Let's do a quick recount of who is who, shall we?" 

Mick nodded. 

"Okay," Mary Sue began, "there is Birkoff/Michael. Then there is Nikita/Madeline, and Operations/Walter. And Michael/Nikita." 

"That leaves Birkoff's body and Operations' body," Mick added. 

"Right," said Mary Sue, " and, uh....Walter's personality and eep!" She trailed off, horror on her face. 

"I've got you, luv," Mick said. "Madeline's personality is at large as well. We can only hope that Madeline is in Birkoff's body." 

Mary Sue leaned against Mick. "I think I know where Madeline's personality is, Mmmm-ick!" 

Mick looked up at her serious tone, "No...not-" 

Mary Sue nodded. "Madeline is Madeline/Operations!" 

Madeline in Operations' body? Mick was stunned. It was hard to imagine a more formidable opponent...other than Mary Sue, of course. 

"It'll take both of us to take her down, won't it?" he asked. "A simple seduction won't work with her. Him. Her." 

"I agree," said Mary Sue. "We'll need to work together to do this. Very closely together." 

"What do you want me to do?" asked Mick. "I'll do anything you want..." 

"Later, dear," she purred. "But as for Madeline...we'll have to go with your strength." 

"What's that?" queried Mick. "My debonair charm? My expert marksmanship? Oh, I know. I'll go in there and stop my heart. She'll have to give me CPR, and you can jump her then." 

"What a wonderful idea!," exclaimed Mary Sue, "I only see three problems with that. Number one, she'd never give you CPR. Number two, if you did stop your heart, you'd never manage to get it started again. And Number three, she'd never give you CPR." 

"Oh," replied Mick, a little crestfallen. It had been such a marvelous plan. "Then what strength are you talking about?" 

Mary Sue moved in close and pushed him up against the elevator wall. "You're going to go in there...and annoy her. A lot." 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: The twelve steps to insanity. 

Mary Sue took her position and listened as Mick entered the Perch. This had to work, she thought. If it didn't work, they would have to try something else and, frankly, she wasn't sure what. Perhaps Chinese for their next date? Not Yankee, for sure...no wait, wrong subject! Mary Sue shook her head, her curls bouncing delightfully, an effect she knew Mick would enjoy. Mick. Mary Sue tensed, listening as he started to annoy Madeline/Operations. 

" 'ello, 'ello, luv!" Mick started off. "I see you've got a nice, big office here." Mick turned to the window, "And what a Spec-Tacular view you have!" he spread his arms wide. "Mark of a good, office, that!" 

"What are you doing here?" Madeline/Operations growled. 

"What am I doing here?" replied Mick. "That's a good one. What am I doing here. Well, what are any of us doing here, really? Looking for love, trying to make a difference in the world..." He sauntered through the perch without any apparent aim, but really heading for the opposite side. 

"Mick, get out of here, now," said Madeline/Operations firmly. 

"Well, excu-zay moi." That was a mistake...the pseudo-French brought back the whole humiliating incident with Michael. 

He tried to regroup. "You're sounding awfully grumpy, Madeline. D'you think Operations' body might be affecting you a little more...directly than it usually does?" 

The Madeline/Operations hybrid tried to calm herself. Himself. Itself. Themselves. "Of course not. I'm in perfect control, as always." 

"Of course you are, luv." Mick had maneuvered her/him/it so that him/her/it was facing away from the door where Mary Sue lurked. "Perfect control. I can see that now. Don't know what I was thinking..." 

Mary Sue knew a cue when she heard one, and what she had heard was a cue for sure. She tensed her muscles, took a deep, cleansing breath....and took a flying leap....straight onto Madeline/Operations' back. 

"Yeeeeee-HAW!" she screamed as the hybrid lurched forward under her. "MICK!" she yelled, "LEAD ON!" 

Mick's eyes were wide, and he was shaking as he ran toward the door. 

Mary Sue kicked Madeline/Operations in the butt, spurring her forward. 

"Hey!" the hybrid yelled. "What are you doing? This is _really_ undignified!" 

Mary Sue ignored the complaints of Madeline/Operations and grabbed his ears instead, urging him/her/it forward. "MICK!" Mary Sue yelled, "Help us down the stairs!" 

"Why the stairs?" shouted Mick over the screeches of the Madeline/Operations hybrid. 

"Because she'll never stand still in the elevator," explained Mary Sue breathlessly. "I'd get bucked right off!" 

Oh. Right. Mick charged ahead, triggering the automatic door that lead to the stairs, and noticed the sign that proclaimed "In Case Of Emergency, Use Stairs." Well, if this wasn't an emergency... 

Unfortunately, level 86 was upstairs. Way, way upstairs. Somewhere around level 52, Madeline/Operations had tired out, and Mick was definitely dragging, but Mary Sue just kept going, and going, and going...*Hmmm*, thought Mick. *That endurance will come in handy later.* 

Mary Sue picked up on his thought. "Just wait, lover," she winked at him. 

Mick grinned, then realizing they had finally reached level 86, led the grumbling hybrid to the Medlab room. Opening the door, he stepped aside. Mary Sue, in one fluid motion, leaped off Madeline/Operations' back and pushed the hybrid into the secure room. 

Mick slammed the door. For a moment, they stood looking at each other. Then, Mary Sue stepped forward and, leaning close, whispered. 

"For your excellent work here, we shall have to visit the Sacred Alley of Drive-By Suckings soon." 

Mick felt a sudden surge of energy. They had things to do, people to return to the proper bodies, and Sacred Sucking Alleys to visit! They had to MOVE! 

Laughing, Mary Sue followed him. 

Suddenly, she stopped. "Mick?" she asked. 

"What is it, luv?" he turned to face her. 

"Where are the others?" 

Mick looked blank for a moment, then shifted feet. "Well, you said to put them in Medlab and I did." 

Mary Sue sighed. "Yes, but WHICH Medlab?" 

Mick looked surprised, "You mean there's more than one?" 

Mary Sue put an arm around his shoulder. "There is more than one. In fact," she said as they started walking, "There are 4,789 Medlabs." 

Mick stopped and looked at her, amazement sketching his features like an artist, "Four THOUSAND.....?" 

She nodded, her seductive curls bouncing merrily. "Yep. One for each level of Section." 

Mick stared at her. Mick stared at her wordlessly for a moment, and then heaved a sigh worthy of a martyr being stoned, boiled in oil, and forced to watch a Monkees marathon. "Well," he said, "Michael/Nikita and Nikita/Madeline are in the MedLab on level 327. And you took Operations/Walter, Birkoff/Michael, and Madeline/Operations to..." 

"Level 86," replied Mary Sue. 

"I guess Madeline/Operations would be too hard to move," sighed Mick. Let's go get Nikita and Madeline. I mean, Michael/Nikita and Nikita/Madeline." 

"And if Michael/Nikita wakes up again, you can put him/her right back to sleep, right? Mon cher Mick..." cooed Mary Sue. 

"Cut that out! I *don't* want to be reminded of that." 

Mary Sue's face dawned a secretive smile. Hmm..she thought. Hmm...We've got to think of a clever plan to move them to the proper Medlab level. "Mick," she said. "We've got to think of a clever plan to move them to the proper Medlab level." 

Mick looked at her. "What would you suggest?" 

"Scooby snacks?" Mary Sue shrugged. 

Mick looked at her in surprise. "You really think Scooby snacks will work?" 

"Of course," Mary Sue nodded. "In their disoriented state, it'll be exactly what they want." 

"I always wondered what was in those things," Mick commented idly... 

"I know!" said Mary Sue excitedly. "They couldn't be dog treats, because Fred and the gang ate them too...especially Shaggy." 

"Probably some kind of illegal, habit-forming drugs," replied Mick. "You're sure Section has some on hand?" 

"Sure," replied Mary Sue. "We'll just stop by the kitchen." 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: Into the Fire 

"You SURE that's what was in those Scooby snacks?" 

Mary Sue nodded. 

Mick followed her into the elevator, shaking his head. It had taken some time, and some effort, but they now had a box of Scooby snacks. He had had no idea that you used paste and Vaseline when cooking. Mary Sue was teaching him new stuff at every turn! 

The elevator stopped with a 'ding!'. The doors opened. They stepped out and made their way to Medlab 327. Mary Sue nodded to him and held out the box of Scooby snacks. 

"Remember, just one each. We don't what will happen if we feed them more than one," she said. 

Mick gulped and took the box. Then he turned and faced the door. 

Just before she slid the doors open, she looked him eye to eye. "Good luck," she whispered in a whisper, then the doors were open and, by some miracle, Mick was moving forward. 

Then Mick was moving backwards. "Why do I have to go in by myself?" 

Mary Sue pushed him forward. "Because I said so!" 

"But what happens if they're awake? They'll tear me apart!" 

"Mick, they won't tear you apa-" Mary Sue was interrupted by the sound of stampeding high heels. 

"Make WAAAAAY!" Mick yelled and, dropping the Scooby snacks, he leaped behind the door, managing to fall on top of Mary Sue, just as Michael/Nikita and Nikita/Madeline appeared. 

Mary Sue watched in disbelief as Michael/Nikita stopped in front of her and picked up the fallen box of goodies. "Nee-Kee-Ta," he called. 

Nikita/Madeline paused in her escape bid, and turned, "Yeah?" 

Michael/Nikita held out a handful of treats. "Scooby snacks." 

Mary Sue couldn't move, buried as she was by Mick's quivering form. There was nothing she could do. No way she could prevent what was about to happen. 

Nikita/Madeline's brown eyes widened as she licked her lips. She reached out and grabbed a handful of treats from the box Michael/Nikita had retrieved. Then, to Mary Sue's horror, they both crammed the Scooby snacks in their mouths and began to chew. 

Mary Sue closed her eyes. "Rut-Ro," she said, softly as the two female bodies disappeared around the corner. She heaved Mick off of her and stood up, listening to the sound of retreating high heels. 

Mick looked up at her from his position on the floor. 

"Umm..." he began guiltily. 

"I don't want to hear it, Mick," snapped Mary Sue. "But we have to track them down before they start seeing ghosts and the Harlem Globetrotters everywhere. Scooby snacks are not supposed to be inhaled like that." 

"Well, what about Walter/Birkoff?" 

"Oh, he's probably passed out somewhere in Comm from all the action he's been getting." Mary Sue closed her eyes, took an impressively deep breath, and let it out. "Fine. You go get Walter/Birkoff, and I'll go after the girls." 

"Are you sure you can handle them?" quavered Mick. 

"Just go, Mick!" Mary Sue pointed. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: Wherein we discover why, exactly, the chicken crossed the road. 

Mary Sue heaved a sigh as she watched Mick disappear into the elevator. From down the hallway, a loud clanging noise came towards her. She ran to investigate the sounds. She saw nothing. Then, out of the closet, a form emerged. A strange form with a bucket on one leg. Wearing a brown dress. And another bucket on its head. Holding its arms straight in front of it, the form came running towards her. It bounced off a wall as Mary Sue watched, then ran off in the other direction. The back of the dress had been cut out. 

Nikita/Madeline. And the Scooby snacks had already started to work! 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: Section speaks out on puppies, jewels and Roman hands. 

Mary Sue was mad at him. This worried Mick a little bit. The date was certainly not at all going like he had envisioned, but he had still held out the hope that she'd...that they'd...be a little more friendly by the end of the evening. But now he had failed her. 

He marched glumly into Comm, and sure enough, Walter/Birkoff had tired himself out. He lay passed out on the floor, surrounded by Oreo crumbs and condom wrappers. 

Mick looked at him with distaste. "No class," he muttered, and bent over to heave the slight figure over his shoulders in a fireman's carry. 

He began to edge his way into the elevator, trying not to accidentally slam Walter/Birkoff's head into the wall, when suddenly, there was a small furry object entangled in his legs. Sprawling, Mick pitched forward, with Walter/Birkoff landing right on top of him. 

"'Zat you, Jacqueline?" Walter/Birkoff muttered sleepily. 

Mick looked up (not very far) into the eyes of a puppy, which was oddly enough standing on two legs in front of him. 

"I'm Scrappy Doo!" the annoying little creature proclaimed. 

Mick blinked, uncertain how to respond to this bizarre vision, and wondering why he seemed to be spending so much time on the floor in this section of the story. Just then, Walter/Birkoff made a determined grab for "Jacqueline" and ended up with his hand on Mick's Crown Jewels. Mick let out an unflattering "Relp!" and shoved the semi-comatose body off of him. Luckily, Walter/Birkoff's head hit the ground, sending him back into a complete coma. 

When Mick looked up, the damn little dog was gone. 

Mick stood up again, heaved Walter/Birkoff back over his shoulders, and successfully maneuvered them into the elevator. "MedLab," he ordered the elevator, hoping that the voice interface system wasn't on the fritz this week. 

"What floor?" responded the elevator. 

Hmm...what floor? Oh, no, what floor had Mary Sue said her MedLab was on? 68? 36? He was pretty sure there was a 6 involved somewhere... 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: Balls, bazookas and things undone 

Mary Sue panted, hands on her knees. Silly women! Running around like the kids from Scooby Doo! The floor started to shake as she grumbled to herself and she flattened herself against the wall as the Harlem Globetrotters ran past, followed by the bodies of Nikita and Madeline. A bald player (she thought his name was Curly) bounced a basketball as he ran. 

For a moment, Mary Sue felt her heart sink. Surely, it couldn't get any worse than this. Just then, a tiny dog burst through the door at the end of the corridor. 

"Puppy Power!" the black-spotted brown dog yelled in a whiney voice as it puffed out its chest. 

Mary Sue's eyes widened for an instant as she recognized the little dog. Scrappy Doo! Things had just gotten worse! Quickly, Mary Sue reached inside her leather halter top and pulled out a bazooka. Taking expert aim, she pulled the trigger. A small explosion and tiny pieces of Scrappy Doo went flying through the air to land in various places with a satisfying 'plop'. For a moment, Mary Sue relished the death of the silly cartoon character. He never should have been introduced to the Scooby Doo show in the first place! Stupid, annoying, dumb puppy! She studied the pieces until they started to fade mere seconds after they landed. With a shake of her head, Mary Sue turned to where the world-famous basketball team had disappeared down the corridor. She tucked the bazooka safely away and sighed. Then she gave chase. 

A blur in the corner of her eye caught her attention. She turned her head, never breaking stride. "Mick!" she screamed, "Level EIGHTY-SIX! Not thirty-six! And HURRY! I need your help!" 

"Right you are, luv!" Mick called after her. "Anything for the woman who sent that sniveling Scrappy Doo to the Great Doghouse in the Sky!" 

Mary Sue smiled as she continued to run after her targets. 

Walter/Birkoff still slung over his shoulders, Mick lumbered after Mary Sue, who sprinted after the wayward bodies, who chased after the Harlem Globetrotters. But after the fourteenth mile of corridor, this started to get a little old. It was time to put an end to this chase. It was time to get back in Mary Sue's good graces. 

It was time...to improvise. 

"Mary Sue!" he bellowed. "Catch!" 

She turned around and neatly caught Birkoff's body as Mick put on a burst of speed and passed her. 

"Nikita/Madeline! Michael/Nikita!" he shouted. "I have more snacks!" 

They skidded to a halt, little puffs of smoke wafting from the floor. 

"More?" said Nikita/Madeline, a dangerous glint in her eyes. 

"More?" said Michael/Nikita, wobbling toward him on unsteady high heels. 

"More," confirmed Mick. "But you have to be good girls, or you won't get any. You have to come back to MedLab on level 68.." 

"86!" hissed Mary Sue from behind him. 

"...86," continued Mick. 

"I don't want to go to MedLab," whined Nikita/Madeline. "I don't like it there." 

"Well," said Mick, "would you go there for one Scooby snack?" 

Michael/Nikita shook its head. "Non." 

Damnit, what was with everyone's obsessive need to speak French? "Would you go there for five Scooby snacks?" 

Michael/Nikita shook his head again, but it was visibly weakening. Nikita/Madeline seemed to be drooling. 

"Fine," said Mick, pulling out his final offer. "Would you do it for a whole box of Scooby snacks?" 

Michael/Nikita and Nikita/Madeline both eagerly nodded their heads. 

"Sold!" Mary Sue called out and led them to Medlab 86. 

Mick followed behind them, making sure the Harlem Globetrotters didn't pull any fancy stunts to break them free. Mary Sue still carried Walter/Birkoff over her shoulder. Mick felt guilty about that, but she was a strong girl. 

As they walked, the Harlem Globetrotters began to fade. By the time they made it to floor 86, they were gone entirely. The Scooby snacks had worn off! 

Mary Sue opened the door and tossed Walter/Birkoff inside. Jumping forward, Mick pushed Michael/Nikita and Nikita/Madeline into the room. 

"Sorry, sorry!" he said as he heaved them inside. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: On the edge 

"Finally!" Mary Sue slammed the door closed and wiped her hands. "I wasn't sure we would _ever_ get them all in the same room!" 

Mick clasped his hands over his heart and staggered dramatically. "You wound me, luv! Doubting my abilities like that." 

Mary Sue raised an eyebrow. "Silly boy!" she chimed. "We'll have time for games later. Right now, we've got to find a way to convince them to willingly lie down on the table so we can wipe their minds clean and then put them back in the proper bodies." 

Silence answered her. Mary Sue turned to find Mick staring intently at the computer screen that monitored the room. "Mick?" 

He waved a hand at her. "Come here, luv, and take a look at this." 

Curious, Mary Sue complied. What she saw raised her spirits. 

**Beep! Beep! Beep!**

_We now pause for a public service announcement from your friendly authoresses._

_Please be warned that for the next few chapters, slash/not slash moments will occur frequently, but not really. If you don't like slash, or don't know what slash is, don't be concerned. This is not really slash, but it sort of is. Just keep reading. This message has been brought to you by the maker of Scooby Snacks! Thank you._

_We now return you to the strange story already in progress._

Inside the cold, white, sterile room of MedLab, six bodies milled about. Gradually, the bodies paired up into twosomes. Nikita's body stood next to Michael's body. Madeline's body was next to Operations'. And off to one side, Birkoff's body stood next to Walter's. 

The conversations were odd, the bodies comfortable with each other, while the people inside those bodies were not. Mary Sue and Mick cautiously turned the sound on. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; Michael/Nikita-Birkoff/Michael 

"So. Michael/Nikita. What are you doing Saturday night?" Birkoff/Michael asked. 

Michael/Nikita looked at a point just over the man's shoulder, his blonde hair glowing, face revealing nothing. There was a moment of silence, and then, "Why?" 

Birkoff/Michael tugged at his hair, his fingers becoming entangled in the unfamiliar length. "Well," he said, "I was wondering if you'd.....you know...want to go out. With me. To dinner or something." 

Michael/Nikita blinked his wide blue eyes. "You know," he said, tilting his head, "My body has very talkative eyes. I can tell exactly what you're thinking right now." 

Birkoff/Michael flushed. 

"Don't do that." Michael/Nikita frowned. 

"Do what?" Birkoff/Michael questioned. 

"Blush. I don't like it. It makes me look silly." Michael/Nikita said. 

Birkoff/Michael flushed again. 

"Of course," Michael/Nikita continued, leaning toward him, "it's very becoming, too." 

Birkoff/Michael's green eyes opened wide. "Soo...does that mean-??" 

Michael/Nikita held up a hand. "You are in my body, Birkoff. I don't think it would be wise to act upon this attraction this body is feeling toward you." 

Birkoff/Michael perked up. "You're attracted to me? This body, I mean?" He moved closer. 

Michael/Nikita's eyes widened at Birkoff/Michael's close proximity. This close, his masculine scent filled her senses and Michael/Nikita felt his wonderfully perky breasts tighten. Deep in his belly, something else tightened as well and a warm liquid filled him. 

Obviously, being in Nikita's body was affecting him...severely affecting him. But even though it was somehow wrong, it was somehow right, too. Their bodies responded to each other, humming like a plucked guitar string. As Birkoff/Michael's lips captured his own, Michael/Nikita thought to him/herself, "I taste like cinnamon?" 

************ 

Outside, Mick and Mary Sue watched as the bodies of Michael and Nikita kissed. 

"Uh...." They both said. 

"Hmm...." Mary Sue was the first to recover. "If Birkoff is in Michael's body, and Michael is in Nikita's body....isn't that a slash moment?" 

Mick looked at her in silence for a moment before answering. "I hope they are as squicked as I am right now. This was definitely not in my contract-I mean, I know we're not exactly a family series, but still..." 

Mary Sue nodded, then pointed to the screen, "Looks like it's getting worse. Damn physical attraction!" 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; Nikita/Madeline-Madeline/Operations 

"What is this?!" Madeline/Operations demanded. 

Nikita/Madeline shrugged. "Beats me, but it's not fair that I didn't get a man's body." 

Madeline/Operations glared at her. "You'll be happy with whatever we decide is best for you." 

Nikita/Madeline raised an eyebrow and moved forward. "And just what do you think is best for me?" She asked, her brown eyes intent on his/her face. 

Madeline/Operations caught her tiny waist. "This..." And its mouth descended onto its mouth. 

************ 

"Urk!" Mick choked. 

Mary Sue was speechless. 

"Hul-LO!" Mick said. "I know it's a common male fantasy to see two women together, but come on!" Mick continued, "We want them in two female bodies when they do! Otherwise, what's the point?" 

"Mick?" Mary Sue asked. 

"Yeah?" 

"Did Madeline and Nikita just kiss?" she asked. 

Mick nodded slowly, "You having a blonde moment, luv?" 

Mary Sue glared at him. 

"Ouch! Sorry, sorry. You know I was just kidding. But yes. They did just kiss." He looked at her closely. "Is that a squick for you, luv?" 

Mary Sue merely looked at him, then wordlessly turned back to the screen. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; Walter/Birkoff-Operations/Walter 

Walter/Birkoff sat wearily on a gurney. Operations/Walter sat next to him. Together, they watched the scenes before them in silence. 

As Operations watched his body's head bend down and kiss the body of the woman he sort-of-cared-for-but-wouldn't-admit-it-ever, he felt a little surge of...something. 

Walter/Birkoff sighed. "We always get left out of the action." 

Operations/Walter looked at him. 

"It's true!" Walter/Birkoff continued. "I get lucky sometimes. Oh yeah. I get a girl kissing on me in the storage room...but that's all you ever get to see. Geesh! Even Madeline got some action with that other guy!" 

Operations/Walter looked at him. "Walter...." He said warningly. 

"Sorry, sorry." Walter/Birkoff sighed. "I know. I shouldn't complain. At least I have the reputation for action. You know I'm getting some, you just don't see it. Birkoff, poor guy...you know, I think this body had only been used twice before I took over?" 

"Really?" Operations/Walter asked. "I remember having a body that young." He sighed and looked over at his companion. 

They grinned at each other. Then, in unison, they yelled "Young, dumb and full of CU-" 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; Rearranging the furniture 

Mary Sue cut the sound. 

"What'd you do that for, luv?" Mick cried. 

Mary Sue looked at him. "Honestly, Mick. Did we _really_ need to hear that?" 

"Please, luv," he wheedled. "I don't know what the last word is. Really." 

Mary Sue raised an elegant eyebrow. "I'm not going to say it, Mick." 

"Please? Please say it, for me?" Mick whined. 

"No." 

"Pretty please? I'll..." Mick leaned in and whispered in her ear. 

"Oh, come ON, Mick!" Mary Sue slapped playfully at his arm. 

Mick grinned. "Mary Sue?" 

"Hmmm?" She hmmmmed. 

"Made you say it!" Mick dissolved into laughter. Mary Sue would have followed, but movement on the monitor caught her attention. 

"Uh-oh, Mick! We've got movement!" 

They moved to the monitor. 

************ 

The bodies in the cold, white, not-so-sterile room milled about. Slowly, they began to break up into pairs again. Mick looked at Mary Sue and admired the way her breasts heaved beneath the leather halter-top. Mary Sue looked at him and admired the way his chest rose and fell beneath his suit. 

They looked back at the screen. Nikita's body was positioned next to Madeline's, one hand rubbing gently against the older woman's cheek. Operations' body was next to Walter's gruff body, one hand rubbing against the older man's cheek. Michael's body stood off to one side with Birkoff's body. There was no cheek rubbing going on there. 

"What are Madeline/Operations and Operations/Walter doing?" asked Mick apprehensively. 

Mary Sue simply shook her head and turned up the volume. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; Madeline/Operations-Operations/Walter 

Walter's body leaned in closely to Operations' body. 

"Madeline, what if this is it?" he asked. "What if we're trapped this way?" 

Madeline/Operations looked up at him quizzically. "Would that be so bad?" 

"Of course it would," he retorted angrily, pulling back. "Of course you don't care. You've gotten the better end of the deal. Don't try to deny it. I've seen how you look at the perch." 

Madeline/Operations shook his head. Her head. Darn. _Its_ head! "You don't understand," it said. 

"Then explain it to me, Madeline. I mean me. Damn! Explain it!" Walter's gruff voice carried Operations' message. 

Cold blue eyes stared back at him, and Operations/Walter felt a moment of pleasure. That look was _very_ intimidating. Suddenly, he wanted in the worst way to kiss the woman inside his body. He moved closer. "I'm waiting," he whispered, and laid one gruff hand on the other's cheek. 

Madeline/Operations shook her/his/its head. "We shouldn't do this. We know better than this, especially in this kind of overly emotional situation. Besides, I doubt Walter would appreciate what you're thinking about doing with his body." 

"To hell with Walter," replied Walter's body as its mouth descended on Madeline/Operations'. 

On the sidelines, Birkoff/Michael snickered as Walter/Birkoff spluttered in outrage. "Hey!" he bellowed to the oblivious lovers. "I really don't appreciate that! Do I look like I'm into slash?" 

Between kisses, Madeline/Operations raised a hand from Operations/Walter's shoulder. Slowly, almost magically, it made a fist. Then one finger slowly extended. 

Birkoff/Michael guffawed as Walter/Birkoff sat on a gurney with a sharp Hmph! He turned to the younger/older man. "What are you laughing at?" he said sharply. It lost something without his natural body's gruffness to put behind it. Birkoff/Michael laughed harder, snorting. 

In the corner, Madeline and Operations were oblivious as they continued to kiss. 

"This sucks," whined Walter/Birkoff, slipping unconsciously into his host's speech patterns. 

"In more ways than one," snickered Birkoff/Michael. Then he did a double take. "Wait a minute...this is getting too strange. Michael never snickers. Or guffaws. It's just...wrong." 

"You're right, amigo. We need to get out of these bodies soon." 

Madeline/Operations was still enthusiastically kissing Operations/Walter, but she felt him pulling back, fighting her embrace. 

"What's wrong?" she murmured. 

"Sorry, Madeline," he replied, "but...it's like I'm kissing myself. I know you want to enjoy being in command for a while longer, but I can't take this any more!" 

Madeline/Operations sighed. "You are correct. It's just...well....I really don't want to give up your shoes." 

Operations/Walter looked quizzically at the woman/man in his arms. "My shoes?" 

Madeline/Operations nodded as it pulled back and held up one foot for him to see. "Shoes. Wonderful, flat, easy-to-walk-on-the-grates shoes." She/he looked at her partner. "If you had been put into my body, or even Nikita's for that matter, you would understand." 

"You mean...?" Operations/Walter started. 

Madeline/Operations nodded. "Yes. High heels suck!" Then she/he sighed. "However, I'm willing to sacrifice myself for the good of Section. As always. Besides, these boxer shorts allow me to bounce around all over the place and they keep bunching up under my clothes!" 

Operations/Walter nodded. "I miss bouncing. Walter wears briefs and his leather pants are too tight for my liking. Oh yeah. I also like being in charge of Section One! I think I'm good at it." He paused, looking around. "Where do we go?" 

Madeline/Operations shrugged. "We'll have to wait for Mary Sue to tell us." 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; Major Squick Moments ahead! Just so you know... 

"Looks like we've got four down and only two to go!" Mary Sue exclaimed. "Is the process ready?" 

Mick adjusted some dials on the machine next to the screen. "It will be as soon as the last two are ready to roll, luv." 

"Good, good! Surely, it won't be much longer now!" Mary Sue said, looking at the screen again. 

The sounds of a sad piano filled the air and Mary Sue and Mick looked at each other. 

"Michael and Nikita moment!" they chorused and turned back to the screen, volume on maximum. 

Up A Twisted Hill; Michael/Nikita-Nikita/Madeline 

Nikita/Madeline perked up at the sound of the soft piano music filling the air. "Michael, I think that's our theme song." 

Michael/Nikita nodded. "Yes. It's time for us to have a cryptic conversation, filled with longing looks and meaningful pauses." 

"Do you want to start?" she asked. 

"No." 

"Of course not," she muttered. "The man, er, woman, er, whatever will charge into a terrorist stronghold with no backup and six bleeding wounds, but ask he/she/it to initiate a conversation and suddenly it's all passive." 

She took a deep breath, pausing a moment to counteract Madeline's influence on her personality, and firmly centered herself in Needy Nikita mode. 

"Michael," she whispered. "What are we going to do?" 

"What we always do," he replied. "Survive." 

There was a meaningful pause. Nikita/Madeline waited the required ten seconds and then threw her arms in the air. "You call this surviving?" she wailed. "My God, Michael! I'm trapped in Madeline's body and you're wearing a thong! How can we possibly survive like this?" 

Michael/Nikita did not answer, merely lifted his/her hand and stroked Madeline's cheek. 

Her energy spent, Nikita/Madeline leaned in against Michael/Nikita's chest. There was another meaningful pause. "You know," Nikita/Madeline observed, "this isn't nearly so comforting without your wonderful pectoral muscles." 

"I know," Michael answered, his hand tightening in her hair. "I miss them too, although I've enjoyed the squishy feel of this body's boobies." 

"Michael," she whispered, "I'm scared." 

Wanting to comfort her, Michael/Nikita leaned down and brushed his lips against. Madeline's mouth. The kiss deepened...until Michael/Nikita, to his horror, started to swoon. 

Nikita/Madeline caught him/her, and then realized what had just occurred. "Did you just swoon?" she asked suspiciously. 

"No," replied Michael/Nikita, praying that for once, Nikita would just let it drop. But to be on the safe side, he had to distract her. "Ni-kee-tah, sometimes...we can't control our souls. They control us, and they take us places we can't go, like Katmandu and Nigeria." 

He could see the effect almost immediately as Nikita/Madeline's eyes glazed over. Time to deliver the final blow. "You know we can't stay like this." 

"Mmmm?" Nikita answered. 

Michael/Nikita paused, searching for the next phrase. "Nikita/Madeline, we have to change now....I've been having these....twinges.....low in my stomach. On both sides." 

Nikita/Madeline looked at him. "Oh yeah. I almost forgot. It's getting close to _that time_." 

Michael/Nikita closed his/her eyes and sighed. "I thought as much." Then in a gesture of pure trust, he opened up to her. "I'm scared, Nikita/Madeline." 

Nikita/Madeline's eyes widened and she leaned in close. "You are?" 

Michael/Nikita nodded, then swiped at the blonde hair that tumbled into his/her face. "I am. I have no idea how to use that....stuff." 

"I understand," Nikita/Madeline replied softly. "I have to fight the urge to build puzzle palaces and I don't even know what they are!" 

There was nothing more to say. Which was Mick's perfect cue to charge in and say something. 

"So, duckies, are we all ready to be unscrambled?" he asked, striding briskly into MedLab. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead! Tra, la, laa! Tra, la, laa! 

Mary Sue watched as six pairs of eyes focused on Mick. The bodies stepped apart from each other, calm and reserved. 

"Damn straight!" yelled Birkoff's body. Which was Walter. Sort of. "Let's get this show on the road!" 

Mick stepped back and half bowed, one hand on his stomach, the other extended toward another door in the opposite wall. "Right this way," he said. "One at a time, mind you! All will get their minds wiped, I promise!" 

Six bodies vied for space. Six bodies eager to be back in their own minds. Six bodies crushing Mick. Crushing Mick! 

Mary Sue scrambled into the room. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" she called, wincing at those terms applied to these people. Six pairs of eyes turned to her. Mick, clothes torn and askew, stood against the wall. Mary Sue winked at him. 

"If you'll all just repeat after me..."There's no place like home. There's no place like home." 

Six bodies looked at each other. Six bodies began to chant, the phrase swelling and filling the room with sound. Behind them, Mick crept along. 

Six bodies, so mesmerized by Mary Sue and her lovely chant, never noticed when Mick grabbed a body and took it into the other room. 

Five bodies continued to chant.... 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; Epilogue; WARNING! WARNING! Spoiler for LINE IN THE SAND. Seriously. We are not kidding. No, really. I mean it...I promise...Enter at your own risk... 

Mick and Mary Sue strolled nonchalantly into the mysterious building that housed Oversight. Officially, they were there for a debrief with George. Unofficially, they were there for a debrief with George. 

"So somehow, the personalities of the key people in Section were inserted into the wrong bodies?" asked George. 

"Exactly," Mary Sue replied. 

"And do we have any idea how such a colossal disaster could happen?" 

"As a matter of fact," said Mick, rising from his chair, "I have a very good idea. I'm in a position to know." Reaching under his shirt collar, he pulled upward. The latex mask he was wearing peeled away to reveal... 

...his exact same face! 

"Mr. Jones!" gasped George. 

Mary Sue was stunned. "Why, Mr. Jones! I didn't recognize you without your piano!" 

Mick turned to her. "I know, luv. My piano defines me." 

She cooed, "Ooooh, Mick! Such a trick!" Then, violet-blue-green-brown orbs flashing, she turned to George. "So tell me, Mr. Mick Jones. Who was responsible for ruining our date?" 

Mick looked at her, then at George. "Him! It was George!" 

Mary Sue gasped, but only because it filled the silence so well. George glowered. 

Mick continued, "It was his ultimate bid to take over Section One. If he could have everyone slashed together, he could rule Section, the most covert anti-terrorist agency on the planet!" 

"And it would have worked, too, if you meddling kids hadn't interfered!" George whined. 

Mary Sue pursed her lips and put her hands on her glorious hips. She looked at Mick/Mr. Jones for a moment. Then, before anyone could react, she grabbed the phone cord and tied George hand and foot. 

"No more Scooby snacks for YOU!" she said. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: Epilogue Epilogue (NC-17, in the strangest ways...) 

Saving Section can really tire a girl out. So Mary Sue and Mick, after ensuring that George wouldn't be escaping from his phone cord any time soon, returned to their apartment building in Mary Sue's fabulous car. 

As the elevator ascended to the fourth floor, Mick turned to her. "This isn't exactly what I had in mind for our first date." 

"Silly Mick," she scolded him. "Don't you know that I always have to save Section One? If you plan on spending any more time with me, you better learn that." 

She opened the door and they walked in. Immediately, Mary Sue grabbed his broad shoulders, hurling her mouth at his and wrapping her tongue around his tonsils. Mick deepened the kiss, his own tongue reaching down into her esophagus and Mary Sue moaned. She ran her hands lightly down his manly chest, feeling his nipples tighten into little rose-like buds. Her own responded likewise. Continuing her exploration, she dropped her hands to his belt, then lower, until she could feel his rigid manhood straining against his cotton-blend trousers. 

"Hol' on a minute, luv," gasped Mick. We don't want to get to the climax of the scene too quickly. The readers will be upset." 

"You're right, of course," replied Mary Sue, panting slightly. "I guess I just let my animal passion get the better of me." She growled seductively at him, and Mick felt his manhood burgeon, resulting in a burgeoning manhood. 

"Bed," she ordered. "Now. Before I rip your clothes off." 

Quickly, they ran to the bed. When they got there, they both paused to catch their breath. 

"Big apartment." Mary Sue noted. 

Mick only nodded. Then, in one swoop, he swooped over and picked Mary Sue up. Lifting her over his head, he licked her belly deftly, then fell with her onto the bed. 

"Ooomph!" Mary Sue said as Mick's elbow landed in her solar plexus. 

"Sorry, luv!" Mick sang. 

"No problem, Mmmmmm-ICK!" Mary Sue popped. 

Mick grinned then licked her belly again. 

"Hmmm," Mary Sue murmured. "Where have I seen that move before? Not that I mind, of course." 

Mick ignored her babbling as ran his hands over her halter top and behind her neck. Leaning down, he blew in her ear. "Wwwwwwwwwwooooooooooo!!" 

Mary Sue jumped, grabbing her ear. "Ow!" she cried. "Blow GENTLY into my ear. GENTLY!!" 

"Sorry," apologized Mick. Determined to make up for his mistakes, he slipped his hands under the waist of her skirt, attempting to rip it off in a display of manly fervor. Unfortunately, it didn't rip. 

He pulled again, making a few grunting noises. It still didn't rip. 

"Uh...hold on a second," he muttered, levering himself off the bed and disappearing into the kitchen. 

Mary Sue lay on the bed, deserted and horny, planning all sorts of suitable punishments, until Mick returned, kitchen shears in hand. 

"Hold very still, popsicle," he warned, and wielded the shears in a mighty battle with her skirt. 

The shears eventually won. 

There she lay before him, clad only in a leather halter top and little silky undies. Mick growled then moved forward, brandishing the shears. 

Mary Sue caught his hand as he reached for her halter. "No way, buddy. Do NOT cut the leather!" She took the shears from him and turned her back to allow him access. Holding her thick, rich hair aside, she instructed him through the grueling process of undoing the halter. 

Muttering, Mick sweated his way through the process. Not good, he thought as he struggled with the fastening. He was losing his rigidity! Finally, the halter popped free, flying across the room like a balloon losing its air. 

"Aaaaah!" Mary Sue breathed, her buxom breasts gloriously free from the leather, confined now only by teeny weeny scraps of lace. 

"Wow..." Mick inhaled, nearly blinded by the sight of the teeny weeny scraps of lace covering up Mary Sue's bounteous goodness. He'd rogered...or, shall we say, "jonesed" more than a few birds in his time, but he'd never seen anything like this. 

Mary Sue leaned back on the bed, a seductive look in her violet-green eyes. 

"Are you ready to climb Mount Everest?" 

Mick blinked. Mount Everest? He didn't have any climbing gear! And Mount Everest for god's sake! Why not something easier? Less dangerous? Mount Everest! 

Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "Mick," she said. "I meant _me_!" 

Mick laughed nervously. "Right you are, luv. Right you are! I knew that, I did. Really." He moved forward, hopefully to cover the awkward lapse, but darn it! When he was with Mary Sue it was hard to think straight! He frowned. Perhaps that's _why_ he couldn't think around her; too hard and straight when she was around! 

Suddenly, Mary Sue moved, rolling him beneath her. "Not fair that you have have on more clothes than me," she murmured wickedly and brandished the shears she had confiscated earlier. 

Slowly, she cut away his garments until he lay almost nekkid before her, clad only in silky briefs. She smiled, cat-like, then lowered the shorts. 

Oh the phallus, the glorious phallus, that stood so proudly at attention to salute her! What a wonderful appendage, perfect in filling any orifice! How it gleamed beautifully in the light! How it shines as it winks merrily! What a feeling! What a sight! What a dick! 

Mary Sue rolled over on to her back and held her arms out to Mick. 

"Now," she said breathlessly. "Give me your straining member." 

Mick's mind worked frantically, but he wasn't sure what she meant. "Uh, I think I left my AAA card in my other pants." 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; Epilogue to the Epilogue of the Epilogue (We're cooking now! Imminent NC-17 ahead!) 

"No, my dear," Mary Sue replied. "I mean your firm appendage. Your erect column. Your eager love stick. Your tumescence. Your manly shaft. Your turgid pole. Your Man-Spike. Your Love Point. Your helmeted hoo-ha! Little Mick." 

Mick blinked, "uhh....you mean?" 

"Yes," Mary Sue pointed, "Your penis!" 

"You want me to give it to you?" stammered Mick nervously. "I'm rather attached to it, you know...or it's attached to me, but I mean, I don't think it's removable. I've tried some pretty crazy things in my time, but they never proved that one about the furniture polish and the Saran Wrap..." 

"Mick!" Mary Sue interrupted, none-too-gently. "You're babbling, and I'm getting bored. We just lost three confused readers, and I think you've scared a nice lady in Akron." 

Mick screeched to a halt, which actually kind of hurt, since he wasn't wearing any clothes, and I think we all know how much asphalt can smart. "Uh, sorry, luv. I just got a little confused." 

Mary Sue sighed, leaned over to the side of the bed, and retrieved her Anatomy 101 textbook from her purse. She flipped to page 54, the one with the really good pictures, and pulled the laser pointer from behind her ear. 

"Now, this is your penis." She punctuated her statement with the laser pointer, putting a nice little laser-red period at the end of her sentence. "When you get aroused, it fills with blood, and becomes 'erect', also known as 'hard', 'steely', or 'firm'." 

Mick nodded. This made some sense to him. Good thing he'd read all those Harlequins as a child. 

"Okay," Mary Sue continued, "Listen carefully. This is very important. Are you listening?" 

Mick nodded, his head bobbing. 

"Good." Mary Sue continued. "Now, in order for me to get ready for copulation, you and I must engage in an activity called _foreplay_." 

Mick looked at her, a puzzled frown on his face, "You mean...." 

"Right! You spend lots of time kissing behind my ears, down my throat to my mammary glands, where you then spend lots of time there. Then, when I tell you, you move lower, trailing kisses to my now moist womanhood." 

"Moist?" Mick looked confused. What did Mary Sue mean? She was sweaty? 

Mary Sue looked at Mick, her lips pursed for a moment. Quickly, she consulted her book then continued. "All this _foreplay_ has stimulated my sexual glands, thereby releasing a natural lubricant in my vagina. This will make it easy, and pleasurable, for your penis to slide in and out in a steady rhythm until we reach _orgasm_. Orgasm; the culmination or climax of sexual excitement, arousing an intensely pleasurable sensation in both sexes, and accompanied in the male by ejaculation of semen (as defined by the Canadian Oxford Dictionary). Follow me so far?" 

Mick looked rather stunned. His eyes were glazed over and he was breathing heavily. In response to her question, he moaned. 

"Good. Now, when semen is released, it uses it's little tails to swim up the vaginal canal and into the uterus where it will try to join, or fertilize, with an egg. HOWEVER!" Mary Sue dropped the textbook on the floor and reached into the bedside drawer to pull out a shiny, foil package. 

Mick smiled, his face lighting up. "A gift? For me??" 

Mary Sue smiled back. "Sort of. We must be mature, consenting adults and practice safe sex. That is, we use a condom." 

Mick's expression fell. "Awww ...." 

"Mick." 

"Yes, luv?" 

"Do you really want lots of little Mick's and Mary Sue's running around?" 

"Well, I think it'd be nice to have children someday..." 

"We aren't talking about the actors who play us, dear. We are talking about _us_." 

Mick paled. 

"I didn't think so." Mary Sue unwrapped the package. "Now, come here, loverboy!" 

With a growl, Mick leapt onto the bed. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill; Epilogue to the other Epilogues. NC-17 for the World's Best Sex Scene ever written! 

Three very short minutes later, Mary Sue was _very_ disappointed. "Obviously," she sighed, "we should _not_ have skipped the chapter on stamina." 

Mick, who was lying on his back, chest heaving, spared enough energy to flop his head in her general direction. "Something wrong, luv?" 

"Something wrong?" she snarled. "Something...wrong?" 

Mick remained oblivious. 

"Don't you dare remain oblivious at me, or I'll show you the true meaning of oblivion!" She reached down and grabbed his now flaccid? limp? wobbly shaft in a steely grip. "Listen to me closely, you stupid British person. I am Mary Sue, and I am not satisfied by some pathetic thirty-second thrust-thrust-groan." 

Mick frowned. Thirty-second thrust-thrust-groan? Heck, he'd groaned at LEAST twice, he knew! Hmph! He was better than THAT! What was Mary Sue thinking? All that technical talk about, well, _rogering_! As IF he needed that technobabel! 

She wanted some foreplay? She wanted his manhood? Hell, _he'd_ show her some MANHOOD! 

As if in response to Mick's elevated blood pressure, his privates began to stir. It saluted merrily as it jumped in Mary Sue's hand and she narrowed her eyes and looked down at the rigid little soldier, now almost ready for the great battle of the sexes. As she watched, Mick's tumescence became even more tumescent. Mary Sue's eyes widened, and _still_ Mick's love stick rose. It stretched and grew until it stood rigidly against his belly. 

Mary Sue bit her bottom lip and tentatively stroked one hand down Mick's body to cup his pendulous jewels. Her fingers curled around his rigid shaft as the other stroked the heavy sac beneath. 

Suddenly, Mary Sue was on her back and Mick was savaging her neck, his raspy tongue rasping raspily in that perfect spot behind her ear. Mary Sue gasped. Mick held her wrists above her head in one hand, while the other ran down to stroke one perfect breast. His tongue followed a moment later, flickering wildly over the taut, sensitive nub. With a tiny nip that left Mary Sue gasping even more, he moved to the other, laving the valley in between lightly as he passed. 

Mary Sue arched off the bed as Mick's talented mouth left her breast bereft and moved down past her belly button. 

"Yes! Yes!" she screamed. "DO ME, you stud muffin!!!" 

Mick smiled as he hovered over Mary Sue's mound of womanhood, the evil memories of his time with Michael/Nikita falling away with Mary Sue's screams of pleasure. Slowly, deliberately, he kissed Mary Sue in the most intimate of kisses, tasting her, um, flavor as he sipped at the flower-petal of her core. Mary Sue bucked, thrusting her perfect hips at him as Mick found her sensitive button and pinched it gently. Slowly, he drew the tiny bundle into the warm sanctuary of his mouth and sucked it hard, flicking his talented tongue wildly until Mary Sue was on the edge of the precipice overlooking the ocean of orgasm. Mick moved up, trailing kisses up the perfect landscape of Mary Sue's body until he reached her delectable mouth. 

Slowly, he eased his considerable length into her warm depths. Inch by inch, millimeter by millimeter, he felt Mary Sue quiver around him. 

"Gaaaaaaanph!" she said and Mick smiled, trembling with the effort to hold still. He moved his own hips then, slowly establishing a rhythm for Mary Sue to follow. She did so and soon they both cresting on amber waves of grain...er, ecstasy. With one final thrust Mick pumped into Mary Sue, feeling her climax as she called to him. 

"Yes! Yes! YES! GIVE me your one-eyed willy!" 

He followed her over the chasm and through the woods, his seed spurting forth (although it was caught conveniently by the condom he had donned in a sentence that was not included due to time constraints, thank you) in a turbulent mass as he climaxed as well. 

Satiated and spent, he collapsed on top of a still-trembling Mary Sue, who promptly shoved him off of the bed, muttering, "Hey, you're kinda heavy, you know." 

Mick sighed, picked himself off the floor, and climbed back into bed, ready for a snuggle and a good heart-to-heart talk. 

"I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone..." he began hesitantly. 

"Snnnnnnorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre," answered Mary Sue. 

Amazed and hurt, Mick looked over at the flawless face of his slumbering angel. The bitch had actually fallen asleep! 

Mary Sue roused slightly and mumbled, "No one calls me a bitch," then promptly fell back to sleep. 

Mick looked at the sleeping angel next to him in amazement. How could she just fall asleep like that after what they had just shared? It didn't seem possible! Fuming, Mick leaned back against the pillows and frowned. 

************ 

Up A Twisted Hill: The last Epilogue and the last part, I promise! Oh yeah, still NC-17. Maybe. 

In the still of the night, in the heart of the darkness, to sleep perchance to dream, Mick doz-ed off. Some time later, a soft form molded itself to his manly form. Mick stirred as he became aware of the warm, feminine form next to him. Oof! Correction. On _top_ of him. Mick opened one eye. A mass of silver-blonde-mahogany-blue-black tresses greeted him. Carefully, he moved the hair aside and looked down upon the excellent visage of a sleeping Mary Sue. Dark, thick lashes fanned daintily against her pale, creamy cheeks. As he watched, her pouty mouth curved into a smile of contentment. 

For a moment, Mick was still angry with Mary Sue for falling asleep. But as she wiggled the orbs of her perfect breasts against his mannish nipples, the feeling began to fade. Mary Sue sighed and adjusted her hips over Mick's. All anger fled. How could he be angry with this lovely angel? He raised a hand and buried it in the tangle of hair that fanned over him and the bed. Slowly, he began to stroke down the flawless skin of her back. Who was he to complain? Mary Sue was asleep on top of him. 

"MMmmmm-ick?" Mary Sue murmured throatily. 

"Hmmm?" Mick paused in his stroking as Mary Sue stirred. 

She opened large, violet-blue-green-hazel eyes and gazed up at him. "I'm hungry." 

Mick looked at her. Hungry? 

"I tried to get up earlier, but it seems I can't walk properly." 

Mick felt his pride prick at her admission. Ha! She couldn't walk properly! Ha! 

"Wanna do me again?" Mary Sue purred. 

Did he? Crikey! In answer, Mick flipped Mary Sue over and gazed down into the deep orbs of her eyes. They, in turn, gazed back at him, full of love, admiration, understanding, promise, hope, adoration, idolatry, worship; allegiance, fealty, fidelity, loyalty; sentiment; infatuation, passion, yearning; ardency, ardor, enthusiasm, fervor, zeal; and, most importantly to his ego, respect. 

Oh yes. 

All was right in the world. 

Finished (for now *g*).


End file.
